What is gaslighting?
What is Gaslighting? Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse which can cause the victim to question their own judgement, perceptions and sanity. It is an insidious form of abuse which wears the victim down over time. In romantic relationships the gaslighting doesn’t usually start until the perpetrator has gained their victim’s trust and the victim’s guard is appropriately down. It is a form of manipulation and deception that empowers the abuser and can easily lead to a form of violence known as coercive control.
Am I being Gaslit? Probably the fastest way to work out if you are being gaslit is by A) comparing Actions with Words and B) Believing Actions (not words). Someone who gaslights you is not going to admit it and they are not going to change because they probably have a subconscious drive to dominate you. Therefore you need to take steps to ensure your safe escape from the situation which is where someone like me can coach you out of the gaslighting situation. Gaslighting examples in romantic relationships can look like:
Feeding you a false memory. For example, “you said you’d take the kids on Saturday, remember?!” or “I told you I had a conference next weekend”
Lying to your face. “I wasn’t flirting with that woman”, “I’m not having an affair – it’s all in your head”, “I never said that, you’re crazy”.
Putting you “off the scent”. For example, someone says homophobic things but in reality is hooking up with men.
Telling you stories about people to put you off speaking with them because if you did, you’d quickly uncover the dubious character of your romantic interest and run.
Acting rich at first until you let your guard down, trust them and then they take over the management of your money, business, or assets.
Feigning ignorance.
Leaving out information.
Anything that makes you question your memory of an event, discussion, agreement etc.
Moving your things. Taking your things. Hiding your things.
Your partner knows you are trying to lose weight but they buy you treats they know you can’t resist.
If you are considering ending a relationship with someone who gaslights you, it’s important to keep such plans secret. People sometimes react in unpredictable ways when under stress. If you are in danger phone 000 immediately.
Your partner acts oblivious about things that are important to you.
Your partner passive-aggressively – in a way so subtle as to not arouse suspicion – undermines things that are important to you. In other words, they undermine YOU. This could look like interrupting the children’s bed-time routine, showing up late for events that are important to you, interrupting your meditation session. This can present itself in so many ways. The options are limitless.
A good way to save your sanity when you think you could be being gaslit is to keep a journal. By keeping a journal, this will give you a dated, written record of your interactions which may give you a better sense of clarity and peace of mind.